Stop Being Nice. Be Good Instead. 

I used to think that being nice would solve the world’s problems. Everyone just had to be nice to each other for things to go well. And I was nice until it no longer served me. A multitude of problems surface when being “nice” all the time. Let’s talk about it. 

Young girls are taught both directly and indirectly that they should be nice. Being nice means sharing your things when you don’t want to. It means turning the cheek to your bully. It means being agreeable to your bullies, and referring to a teacher or elder when things get out of control. If you didn’t want to share on the playground, or with your cousins, you were labelled difficult. If someone hit you and you wanted to hit back, you were shamed into being the bigger person. Stooping down to their level was not “nice”. When you became older and girls were mean to you, being nice was always the hopeful way of getting them to like you. And then when boys came into the picture, inappropriate comments and behaviour were met with an uncomfortable but “nice” smile, politely asking them to stop. Or worse, silently heading to a teacher to complain, not saying a word to the offenders. 

In high school, when boys would cross the line, I was always pressured to be nice about it. “Don’t be dramatic” I’d be told. I was so “nice” that a few girls didn’t like me because my agreeableness was fake to them. Although women tearing one another down is a whole different topic to engage in, now that I’m older, I can partially understand where they were coming from. 

I was way too nice to everyone… but myself. 

I also think that women are expected to be “nice” to men. Not to make too much of a fuss when things get out of hand. Don’t be difficult, and instead be submissive or quiet. This is so dangerous. Always being nice can put us in danger. Passive women are the targets of criminals and narcissists. It’s also interesting to note that any woman who doesn’t accept disrespect is almost always labelled difficult or hard to deal with. Even if she is respectful to those around her…

You see, being nice isn’t always a good thing. It comes with an array of problems. What if someone is mean to you, or picking on you? Defending yourself isn’t considered nice. So what is it? Rude? What about establishing a boundary that in turn hurts someone’s feelings? Are you being mean? What would you label your behaviour? If someone constantly oversteps your boundaries and now it’s time to establish a consequence, are you being difficult? Being nice cannot serve you all the time. And it shouldn’t be the go-to disposition for women. I think it should be replaced with goodness instead. 

Being a good person means treating people kindly, until no longer possible. It means getting angry and firm when necessary. It means distancing yourself from people who are no longer a benefit to your growth & happiness. It means having that difficult and dreadful conversation when required. Being a good person means treating yourself and others with respect. And I often find that when being nice is a priority no matter what, our own needs and wants are put on the back burner. There isn’t a nice way to tell someone they have crossed a line. There is a respectful way, but remember, certain individuals will always label words they don’t want to hear as rude, or disrespectful. And that’s why being a good person is the principle here. Being nice doesn’t protect you or others. 

I think being good is also more authentic. If you’re being nice to everyone without limits, is that truly how you feel? Can you connect with those around you? And I think, in a bit of a strange way, that is where those girls were coming from in saying I was fake. I would never change my behaviour, even if someone deserved my anger. It was inauthentic. It wasn’t me. 

Now that I’m much older, I know that kindness and gentleness are my strengths, but they are not my constant temperament. I get angry, defensive and firm when necessary. And I’m still learning to strengthen these traits after spending an eternity fawning and people-pleasing! Hopefully, we can shake off this expectation that women are meant to be nice all the time and embrace boundaries, consequences and ending friendships that no longer serve us.