My Post-Partum NICU Journey

“There is such a special sweetness in being able to participate in creation.” 

– Pamela S. Nadav

To be completely frank, I did not expect to struggle after giving birth. I thought that my journey would be completely different than the rest of the world. Oh boy, was I wrong…

My baby arrived much earlier than I anticipated. I remember thinking about how I wanted to live my life to the fullest in the last stretch of my pregnancy only a few days before she spontaneously arrived. My labor was short and painful, one that many women would prefer. I contracted for only two hours and then pushed for 18 minutes. My precious daughter slipped into the world without a sound. I remember staring at her in awe as she stared back at me. The team of doctors rubbed her vigorously with a towel in hopes of hearing a sound. She let out a little squeal, cutting the tense silence in the room. The doctors rushed my husband to cut her umbilical cord and off she went. My hopes of delayed cord clamping, skin-to-skin, and experiencing golden hour weren’t possible with my little premature angel. But I accepted things as they were, knowing that her survival was the most important thing to me. A few missed opportunities were out of my control. 

I had to recover physically from the birth while simultaneously learning about being a NICU parent. My baby was so tiny, so fragile and delicate. She was barely four pounds. Before they strapped a CPAP machine on her face, I was able to see her for the second time. I hurried to step out of my wheelchair, surprising the nurses around me. There was a newfound strength that I had in being a mother. I’d do anything for my little girl. I watched with teary eyes as she struggled to open hers. It was clear that the sound of my husband and I’s voices stirred some fond memories for her. I remember stroking her, softly crying. The doctors told us that she contracted an infection requiring two or three weeks of antibiotics. She would be staying in the NICU until her infection was gone. We braced ourselves for the journey. My husband was my rock. We were going to do this together. 

The physical recovery was one of the most challenging things I had to go through. I did not expect it to be as painful as it was. Almost every movement requiring the lower half of my body pulled at my stitches. I dreaded anything that had to do with moving my legs. But in visiting my daughter each day in the NICU, I moved my body more and more. By the last few days of her 14-day stay, I was rushing down the halls to see her again, Alhamdulillah. 

There were several obstacles my husband and I faced in having her stay at the NICU. Firstly, I was told that I had four days to begin producing a sufficient milk supply for my daughter, or they would have to switch her feeds to formula. In those four days, I qualified for donor breast milk, which I am eternally grateful for. I prayed so much, asking Allah to bless me with enough milk to sustain my daughter, and was gifted some fennel and fenugreek tea which helped tremendously. The rule within the first week of her stay was that only one person could hold her a day; either myself or my husband. Of course, I was given priority, and he took that like a champ, but on the days when he wanted to do skin-to-skin, or a bottle-feed, I struggled to watch the two of them. It was so strange to be told that I couldn’t hold my baby. It was also a peculiar experience to see her with tubes and IVs weaving through her little body. She was in pain on some days, and that killed me. Holding her was so nerve-wracking. I was so scared of pulling on a tube and hurting her. The nurses took such amazing care of her, and it comforted me to know that she was in good hands. Despite this, I was still very uncomfortable walking into her room and seeing a strange face feeding my baby. It was worse when they proceeded to tell me about her demeanour. It felt like a slap in the face, despite them meaning well. I hated not being able to be around my daughter enough to know these little quirks of hers. 

In the second week of her NICU stay, she was transferred to the Children’s Hospital where she had a “big girl bed”. We were also given a sofa bed and could hold her as many times as we wanted. This meant I could do all of her feeds, and even breastfeed! All of my family members could come and visit, following proper safety protocol, and I could draw the curtain and spend hours with my baby in privacy. We changed her diaper, cleaned her, fed her, burped her, and gave her all the cuddles in the world. Day by day, I was feeling more confident in my skills as a mother and caregiver. It was also so touching to see my husband lull her in his arms, reading nursery stories to her lovingly. 

And like all tests, this one had reached the end. She was 36 weeks old when we took her home. The car seat was installed, the “baby on board” sticker was hung on our car and the stroller was rolling down the hallway to pick her up. After a few signatures and meetings, our baby daughter was finally ours. Alhamdullilah. 

Waking up multiple times in the middle of the night was less of a cause of annoyance. It was a gift. We could hold her, hug her, and kiss her head without limits. Our little preemie is the most resilient, strong, and beautiful baby I have ever met, Allahuma Barik. I am so excited to get to know her and love her as unconditionally as Allah will allow me. I am so blessed to be able to hold her and have my eyes gaze at her. The gift of a child is one of the biggest blessings Allah grants His slaves. I am both honored and extremely humbled. 

Although this is both the beginning of my post-partum journey as well as the first chapter of motherhood, I am so excited about it all. I’m drowning in my blessings, and refuse to see it any other way. I think that’s what is helping me cope with the drastic changes going on; a positive outlook.

May Allah bless my daughter with a healthy and beautiful life. May he make her one of his most obedient slaves. May He bless her with beautiful character, piety, and knowledge. And may He allow us to fulfill her rights as her parents, and bless our household. 

Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, was once standing over a hole and he said, “If hardship were to enter this hole, ease would surely follow it, go inside, and take it out.” Then, Allah Almighty revealed the verse, “Verily, with the hardship comes an ease, with the hardship comes an ease.” (94:5-6)

Source: al-Mustadrak ‘alá al-Ṣaḥīḥayn 3552

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Suyuti