Fulfillment and Loneliness; the Paradigm of New Motherhood

I always yearned to be a mother. It has been one of my lifelong dreams. And I knew that nurturing and giving selflessly would come naturally to me. And like all delusional optimists, I assumed I had already found my stride a few weeks into the game. But my Creator decided to test me in ways I couldn’t explain. It’s a comforting thing to have this little creature find pure bliss and solace leaning against your chest, or hearing your voice. A part of me will always be relieved to know that only my smell can relax her and only I can soothe this fussy baby for the time being. There’s an unmissable pang of pride that is felt once I take her in my arms mid-tantrum and see her immediately settle down. There has never been a time in my life lacking more personal space, but I don’t mind sharing my very breath with this little angel…

So you can imagine my surprise when the first burst of loneliness made its presence known. Suddenly I yearned for someone to understand my situation, or to be exactly where I was in my motherhood. The countless hours of breastfeeding, burping and soothing set me apart from everyone else, including the older mothers I knew. Statements like “It gets easier!” did not help anymore. I momentarily wished that all the close women in my life had newborns of their own just to relate to my struggle. I began spiralling…

The pressure of being everything to someone was weighing me down. I felt suffocated. And the front I was putting on for even the closest of my loved ones began to fall apart at the seams.
It was late afternoon when a family member came to visit me, and I had been crying when they walked into my apartment. I make an effort to avoid crying in front of this particular individual and have always protected my vulnerable side from them, but in that moment that was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to be validated. I wanted to be told that this phase was one of the hardest things in the world and I was doing a great job. But instead, I was told that it would get harder, I was in the easy phase and I needed to toughen up. I could see that they resonated with my pain, but I yearned to receive some degree of comfort. It was at that moment I fell deeper into a pit of loneliness, just tiptoeing on the line of PPD. I couldn’t ignore my feelings anymore.

My loved ones sat me down and deconstructed what was going on. They asked me to say what I needed from each of them, and how they could support me in this time. They weren’t new moms or a sudden breastfeeding partner, but that was their strength in a way. They didn’t need to be in my situation to understand. They just needed to accompany and support me on this journey.
The next few weeks were a dream. There wasn’t an ask that was left unmet, or a need unfulfilled. I was drowning in their love and their presence seemed to soothe the loneliness I felt. All their help gave me time to do what I loved. I began journaling and reading again. I started to go on walks and make plans with friends. Of course, my new “normal” looked like fun in between diaper changes and breastfeeding sessions, but I was granted patience and support, which encouraged a positive mentality. There was a shift in my perspective.

I wouldn’t meet someone in the exact same shoes as me. Or maybe I will, just not right now. And I don’t need that to feel seen and understood. With healthy communication, I can ask those around me for what I need, and they will always be here to support me Insha’Allah. I started to ask for help and accept it when it was offered, which are two things I hadn’t realized I struggled with.

Life now is so much fuller. Even on days when it’s just myself and my little princess. Seeing the bits of ease my Creator places in every moment, attempting to count every favour I’m grateful for and lastly exercising radical acceptance has been really grounding. I can’t change my situation right now, but I can change my outlook. We are so much stronger than we think. I mean, we’ve survived our worst days!

I know the time will come when I look fondly back on these days, maybe when I yearn for another baby. I’ll be sure to read this blog again LOL.