Enablers Within The Muslim Community

Not long ago, I wrote a post titled ‘Abuse and it’s Faces’. I was overwhelmed with the supportive messages and reflections you shared with me. I didn’t realize how powerful speaking about our pain can be. It was touching to hear so many of you resonate with my reflections. But, like all things on social media, that post had an ugly side too. It wasn’t surprising to hear that I had ruffled some feathers. However, the minuscule backlash I received pushed me towards a place of introspection and deep reflection. I’ve had this in my heart to write about for a long time, and I genuinely don’t care for the feelings of people offended by it. Words have power, and my goal, as with all my blogs, is to push towards healthy and positive change. We’d never know what joy looks like without knowing pain. And we’d never know what healthy behaviour looks like without examining toxic behaviours.

I’ve had my fair share of memories with more narcissists than I’d like to admit. But that’s not who this blog is centred around. Rather, circling every narcissist is a group of ‘Flying Monkeys‘. This term is used frequently in therapy, originating from the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’, where the antagonist had delegated all her dirty work to ‘flying monkeys’. A narcissist will employ these characters to believe them, defend and argue on their behalf. These flying monkeys get caught up in the sea of lies and drama and often tell themselves they’re enjoining good. In reality, they are perpetuating and enforcing abuse knowingly or unknowingly. I find them extremely common within the Muslim community, especially within my background.

This presents itself in different ways. In the context of the Muslim community, it can look like the following phrases:

‘Whatever that man does in his house is his business. We have no right to get involved in his family matters.’

‘He is a Quran teacher, we cannot ruin his reputation.’

‘He’s a father. He would never do that.’

‘He is a student of knowledge. It’s just one mistake. This will ruin his opportunities in life.’

‘She is a mother. Heaven is under her feet. She means well.’

‘She’s had a tough life. Cut her some slack.’

‘No one is perfect. Only الله can judge her.’

‘That man is a husband. Speaking about his scandal will ruin his family.’

These statements are repeated cyclically and continue to preserve abusive dynamics in relationships. What good comes from them? There is no accountability for abusers. There is either complete denial or partial denial of their wrongdoings. And then there is the constant expectation for the victim to be the “bigger person”, or to stay silent. I’m tired of it.

I’ve seen so many people in positions of responsibility neglecting their roles, and hiding behind the flying monkeys of our community to do their bidding. And I don’t think the narcissists and abusers are the entire problem here. It’s the folks who enable and defend them that are the most dangerous to me. Unless the abuser gets therapy or serious help, they will continue to abuse. Hurt people hurt people. But it’s the individuals who have the power to support victims by raising their voices and holding these abusers accountable that are truly neglecting their responsibility in this community. They shame victims who come forward. They hide the mistakes of abusers. And they continue to support them. It’s so twisted.

I’ve categorized people’s reactions to abuse into 4 different groups.

1. ‘It happened to me and you don’t see me crying about it.’
   This group is usually the most rackety and aggressive. They are one-half of the silly flying monkey society. Because they haven’t healed from or acknowledged their abuse, they’ve denied that right to others. I also used to be in this place.
   
2. ‘Because it didn’t happen to me, you’re probably being overly dramatic.’
   This is the second half of the silly flying monkey society. This group truly amazes me. Lacking a sense of open-mindedness, they refuse to accept any reality they haven’t lived in themselves. This includes other people’s experiences.
   
3. ‘It didn’t happen to me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t understand it.’
   The people are some of the most crucial in supporting a victim. They create a safe space and open their hearts and ears to listen. It’s these people who have helped me heal and who have supported me along the way.
   
4. ‘It happened to me too. I’m sorry.’
   This group is a minority and a true jewel in our community. To be here involves therapy, change, acceptance and self-awareness. It’s folks like this who end the generational trauma and cycles of abuse. Once you begin your process of healing, you will meet these people along the way. For all of you who have messaged me with such beautiful reflections, we’re here in this group together…

To grow from being an enabler, we must invoke change within. Groups three and four have opened their hearts to experiences different than their own and can see past their pain to make space for others. The first two groups are too self-consumed to support others. We must, as a community change ourselves first to see a substantial difference. I don’t have the energy to go after every narcissistic abuser. That is a cause I am no longer interested in, and quite frankly, I don’t see it being a successful mission either. Instead, I channel my energy toward calling out the enablers in hopes that this will summon true change.

Let me know your thoughts! I’d love to hear if you have a different perspective or experience you’d like to share. In my next blog, I hope to discuss internalized misogyny from mixing culture with religion in our community. This blog is a bit too heavy to combine both subjects.

السلام عليكم و رحمة الله وبركته