Internalized Misogyny; The “Ideal” Muslimah

It’s the circle of life, or in this case; womanhood. We’ve all been there. In the experience of constantly seeing other women be shamed for stereotypically feminine traits, we’ve tried to create the need for separation and differentiation from “those women”. As a result, we encounter the “I’m not like other girls” trope.

Firstly, I am not approaching this subject with a feminist mindset. I’m not a feminist. Ascribing to the Quran, Sunnah and the Shariah of الله, I don’t advocate through any other ideology. I believe الله has commanded His rulings and rights with the utmost knowledge, with men and women having their respective rights. Many of these rights are also not the same. If you’d like to explore this topic some more, here is a link to feminism and Islam. We’re not speaking or comparing the opposite genders today. Rather my approach in this blog is to discuss internalized misogyny within the female Muslim sphere. Let’s define some things!

• INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY: “when women subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women and even onto themselves.”
• SEXISM: “prejudice or discrimination based on sex”

Cultural Origins

I often like to go back to when and how things first started. My conclusion has been reduced to this; culture. The majority of you reading this are the first generation born outside of your native land. My origins go back to Ethiopia and Somalia, where FGM (Female Genital Mutilation) and forced marriages were rampant. Men weaponized their strength over women and created the idea that women needed to seek the validation of men, even at the cost of one another. And so, after these women became mothers, they subconsciously perpetuated that narrative. I saw it clearly five years ago, and will never forget it. My father had just passed, and we were hosting a gathering for the men who knew him. They all congregated down in our basement. They were served food, and it was now time to go. But they refused. Instead, they sat and smoked until the clock passed three in the morning. My uncle repeatedly asked them to leave with no success. Instead, they laughed and joked with one another, permeating the house with cloudy dispenses of cigarette smoke. I watched in shock, not only at the behaviour of these men but also at their wives, who shuffled quietly in the kitchen and living room, stopping one of my siblings from going down there and kicking the men out herself. Their anger and annoyance were directed at us, despite acknowledging how disrespectful and inappropriate these men were. Anything to avoid making men uncomfortable, right?

Internalized Misogyny and Muslim Marriage

Marriage in Islam is one of the most beautiful things we can experience. Getting married was the best decision I ever made. It’s healed so many parts of me and has taught me so much about life. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel immense pressure as a woman. Some of the advice I was given was so bad, I have to laugh as I remember it. Some women put an immense amount of emphasis on the emotional and sexual pleasure of a man, without ever discussing a woman’s rights. We, as a collective, have failed to raise young Muslim women to have healthy and successful marriages. I came across a video by a famous “Da’ee”, who claimed that men should act removed and uninterested in marriage processes. He remarked this would make the woman chase the man instead of vice versa. And I was astounded to witness sisters defending this! I don’t know how as a woman, you can perpetuate the manipulative tactics of men, who empower themselves through a woman’s insecurity and trauma. We almost approach marriage with the inherent belief that women are trouble, or need to be managed/controlled. There was a sister I knew who failed to educate herself thoroughly on her rights and ended up in a manipulative and abusive relationship. She also carried loads of internalized misogyny and perpetuated that on the women around her. And that is why I strongly encourage every woman reading this to educate herself on both her rights as a muslimah and the rights a husband has over his wife. It’s imperative.

Divorce. It’s hard enough to experience separating from someone that you thought you would be with forever. Adding on many unwarranted opinions and judgmental responses to that tragedy doesn’t seem to make it any better. The misogyny we’ve absorbed has branched out into many directions, with one of them affecting our divorcees and windows. I find that we as Muslim women can share the responsibility of adding to their burden. A Muslim woman initiates a divorce from her husband and what is the first thought that appears in your mind? Is it a criticism of the “women of today” who “love to divorce and be single”? Is it the assumption that she was a disobedient wife? A Muslim man initiates a divorce from his wife. Was he at his wit’s end? Was she so unbearable he couldn’t take it any longer? Women have learned to judge each other so harshly, almost as if we’re looking for one another’s mistakes.

Khadijah bint Khuwaylid was married twice before the Prophet ﷺ and had three children from her previous marriages. She then went on to birth six more, being known for her class, and prestige. She was highly sought after for marriage and was praised by men and women alike. A Muslim divorcee of today could never escape the rumours about her. Some would push her into polygamy, with the belief that no single man would want “someone else’s woman”. Some would chastise her for even wanting to marry a good, righteous and desirable man, telling her to instead focus on her kids. And some would simply hand over their good deeds, from all the gossiping they’d done. Divorcees and widows lack the support they need from us as women. I implore that we do better to support and help one another, for the sake of الله. We lack unity, because we are too busy comparing, and judging one another. But more importantly, we are both consciously and subconsciously seeking male approval in shaming one another. This doesn’t help us.

“Not Like Other Girls“

The older generation of women watched men minimize female suffering and demonize femininity. Women had to be masculine because there was no room for frailty. They had to survive. And so traits and habits categorized as stereotypically feminine were renamed vain, selfish and weak. I think we’ve absorbed this belief internally. As a pre-teen, I would always judge women who cared about their appearance or loved pink. I wanted to be like the boys because I wasn’t like other girls. I liked blue, and skateboards. I didn’t care for fashion. I liked pizza and nachos (and am currently laughing as I write this). Lyn Miller-Machan writes “The “Not Like the Other Girls” trope involves a girl protagonist who considers herself different from her peers in that she cares about more serious issues than appearance, fashion, boys, and celebrities. While it’s meant as a critique of traditional gender roles and pursuits […] it assumes that all the other girls are shallow underachievers.” And I think this creates the judgemental environment we’re suffering from as Muslim women and girls today.

The Practising Predicament

Almost all sisters who have begun practising Islam more seriously experience an interesting complex. They struggle with blending their personalities with the title of being an ‘Ideal Muslimah‘. I don’t blame them. I too received judgmental glares from ‘practising‘ sisters when I’d laugh with my friends at events. I also felt the pressure to speak less and be quiet. The unspoken rule is that everyone is expected to homogenize with one another. This culture of judging and backbiting other sisters has our community in a chokehold. Again, it’s the act of separation and differentiation from “those women”. I remember being told that there was a group of sisters in one of the mosques here in Ottawa. They would congregate and backbite incessantly. Despite being advised by multiple sisters, they continued. Sin after sin after sin. And the effect that it had was pushing girls away from the house of الله. Here is the truth. There is no one way of being. Islam expands for all people, all personalities, all races and all cultures. There is room for you, as you are, to begin practising Islam. Whether you’re a chatty extrovert, or a quiet introvert. Crafty artist or entrepreneur. So long as your actions are in accordance with the Quran, Sunnah and Shariah of الله, be who you are.

Our mothers, the wives of the prophet ﷺ were amazing, intelligent and righteous women. They were feminine, strong, patient and giving.

Saudah bint Zam’ah (r.a) was the first woman to marry the prophet after Khadijah’s passing. She was known for her righteousness and generosity. She was also known for her liveliness and humour…

Ibn Sa’ad mentions how once she was offering voluntary night prayers, standing behind the prophet ﷺ. The next morning she told him how his very long prayer made her fear that her nasal vein would burst and her nose would bleed! So she said that while in the bowing position, she held on to her nose! The comical image that she presented of herself made the prophet ﷺ burst into laughter.” – Great Women of Islam, Mahmood Ahmad Ghadanfar

Another example is our mother Aisha bint Abu Bakr (r.a), who carries the honour of being one of the seven who narrated the most ahadith. She was praised for her knowledge and sharp memory. She was also jealous and emotional. I love reading about the wives of the prophet because we see that although they were the best of us, they also had their moments and made mistakes. They were multifaceted and human, with differing personalities. I adore Aisha (r.a) in particular because she had close relationships with the women around her, and was authentically herself; confident, poised, intelligent and playful.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the internalized misogyny that exists within our Muslim communities has deep cultural roots, often passed down from generation to generation. From marriage to divorce, and even in how we perceive femininity, we continue to face the consequences of this internalized prejudice. However, there is hope in breaking these cycles through education, self-awareness, and a renewed commitment to understanding our rights and responsibilities as Muslim women. By cultivating solidarity, embracing our differences, and supporting one another, we can dismantle the behaviours that hold us back. The examples of the mothers of the believers remind us that there is no singular way to be a Muslim woman; instead, our strength lies in our diversity, our shared faith, and our ability to uplift one another. With the permission of الله, let us strive for a future where we are not divided by judgment, but united in community, sisterhood and the pursuit of Allah’s pleasure.